Funny Pic or Jokes

[Armitage]

I know a zillion jokes, they just tend to be "off" humor so read at your own risk;

A businessman is sent on assignment to Tokyo where he's supposed to meet with some high level Japanese businessmen. They are to have a golf game to discuss business as is the custom in Japan. He arrives in Tokyo the night before the meeting and is bored, so he decides to have a hooker sent up for the night to his hotel room. All during sex the hooker keeps screaming loudly "Tzu Gammo! Tzu Gammo!!"
The businessman assumes this must be Japanese for "Great!" "Fantastic performance!"...etc. He finishes and the girl passes out in his arms.
So anyway the next day he meets with the Japanese businessmen. The first to tee off is the president of the company. He shoots a magnificent shot right off the tee into the cup. A hole in one!
The American businessman sees this as a great opportunity to impress the Japanese with his knowledge of their language and enthusiastically shouts "Tzu Gammo! Tzu Gammo!!"
All the Japanese turn to him with a confused look and ask, "What you mean, WRONG HOLE?"

[Armitage]

OK a CLEAN joke or two;

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping.
At about 2:33am Holmes reaches over to Watson and wakes him up.
"Watson, look up, what do you see"
"Uh, the sky Holmes. The stars?"
"And what does that make you deduce"
"That the sky is clear and the air is fresh."
"More then that..."
"That we are only specs in this grand universe?"
"Not what I meant my dear friend."
"Leo is in Aquarius?"
"No..."
"It's nice and clear, but the moon is red, so it may rain tomorrow?"
"My dear friend, someone has stolen our tent."

______________________________________

A fellow who had been cheating on his wife for quite some time had always managed to get home before her.
This time though, he fell asleep and knew he would be caught.
He pulled up in his car, rubbed tal***powder all over his hands, then headed towards the front door. Sure enough, there at the door tapping her foot, was his angry wife.
"Where have you been?", she demanded.
He looked at her, bowed his head, and said:
"I am not going to lie to you. I have been out with my beautiful secretary. We had wild sex four times then we fell asleep in each other's arms. I realized how late it was and tried to race home before you got here. I have been doing this for nearly six months. She is beautiful! She is crazy about me. She listens and never bitches. I intend to keep sleeping with her and I treat her way better than you."
The wife grabbed his arms. Looked at his hands. Then whacked him.
"You liar! You've been out bowling again!"

[Armitage]

This guys sits down at a bar. He looks into his shirt pocket, shakes his head and orders a beer.
A while later, he looks into his shirt pocket, shakes his head and orders another beer. A little while later, he looks into his shirt pocket, shakes his head and orders another beer. Finally, he looks into his pocket, kind of smiles and offers to pay his tab.
The bartender, curious as ever asks him "Hey bud, if it's not too personal, I don't get it. You come in here, peak in your pocket, order a beer, drink it, peak in your pocket, order a beer, drink it, over and over. And now you're leaving, what's up?"
"I've got a picture of my wife in my pocket, after enough beers, she starts to look good, then I go home."

________________________________________


Two hunters are hunting in the woods, and one of them accidentally shoots himself in the chest. The other hunter, in a panic, calls 911.

Hunter: My friend is dead! He shot himself!

Operator: Calm down sir, first you have to make sure he's actually dead.

--There's a pause on the phone and then the operator hears a gunshot.

Hunter: Alright, now what??

[Armitage]

A personal fav;

As this woman with her new baby was boarding the bus, the bus driver looks up and says "Man 'o man, that has got to be the ugliest baby I have ever laid eyes on."
The woman, shocked and completely unable to say anything, marches to the back of the bus and sits down beside this friendly looking gent.
"I'm so mift" she says to him, "I can't believe what that bus driver just said to me."
"Well why don't you just go up there and give him a piece of your mind," the gent said, "And don't worry, I'll hold your monkey."

__________________________________________


After way to many years Harold decided he'd had enough of big city life and he moved out to Arkansas and bought a cabin on a big lonely mountain.
He loved the peace and quiet, but after a particularly long winter, he was getting pretty lonely.
Then one day there was a knock at the door. "Hi, I'm Big Clem from the next mountain and I was wondering if you'd like to come to a party tomorrow night?"
"A party? Sure..."
"There'll be drinkin' and hot sex, swearing and hot sex, fightin' and hot sex and even more drinkin' and hot sex!"
"Wow, sounds great! Should I bring or wear anything special?"
"Nah, don't worry, it's just going to be you and me!"

[Armitage]

REAL BAD TASTE DON'T READ IF YOU GROSS OUT EASY;

Overheard at a grade nine health class;
"After Anal sex, is the sperm confused?"

___________________________

They get WORSE:

___________________________


It was Wally's first assignment for the newspaper.
He walked up to the door and knocked... and waited and waited.
He knocked again, finally he saw some movement in the window and had a peek.
She was staggering to the door, two stumbling steps forward and one step back. Arms flailing about.
The door finally opened. "Hi, I'm Wally from the local paper, I'm here to interview you for the community section. You're 107 today!"
He looked at her as she smiled. Sagging skin that showed under her heavily veined eye balls, 4 foot 6, 180 pounds, more whiskers then a walrus and a black tongue that looked like it was trying to escape out of her mouth.
"Come in and I'll make you some tea..."
He stepped in, then around her and sat on the couch.
It took her ages just to turn around in her odd stagger, and even longer to get to wonder off towards the kitchen.
She wouldn't take no for an answer, she was going to make tea.
Unbelievably, she looked even worse from behind with her stained dress stuck in her butt crack.
Sitting there, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table and he took a handful. Dry, almost dusty.
He heard the clanking of pots and pans, then the water running.
He took another handful of peanuts.
Wait wait wait... he heard the kettle whistle.
He took another handful of peanuts.
Finally she came out. Staggering with an old pot in one hand and a cracked tea cup in the other. Her tongue out slapping back and forth with each step. A little fly zooming in and out of her mouth with each breath. Oops, up her nose it goes. She snorted and swallowed it and though nothing was unusual. She finally gets to the table and puts down the tea and gave her heavy whiskers a noisy scratch.
Wally was shocked to notice he had eaten all of her peanuts. The realization that at 107, she probably doesn't have a pension, her husband may have been dead for 30 or forty years... and he may have just eaten her last treat in the world.
"I'm sorry, I seem to have made myself at home with your peanuts. I'd like to replace them."
"No worries" she sputters. Looking at the empty peanut bowl, drool rolling off her tongue.
"No really, let me know the brand and I'll replace them."
"No no no. They're not much good to me once I've ***ed all the chocolate off...."

___________________________________

These three guys were way up north in a little boat fishing and drinking and joking around. The one guy stands up to cast when he loses his balance and falls over the edge, sinking like a rock. His two drunk buddies stare after him, then one rolls over the side to retrieve him.
Minutes later he rises to the surface pushing this body into the boat.
He immediately starts mouth to mouth... lips to cold wet lips.
The sun is bright, the air is hot, but he won't give up.
Breathe in, breathe out... time passes.
Finally, he's had enough, it's too hot and he's to tired and can't continue.
"Man, I don't remember Franks breath being SO rank!" he says.
"Yeah," his drunk buddy says,
"And I don't remember Frank wearing a snowmobile suit!"

[DarkMusicAngel]

LMAO!!!!!!!! Man I loved those jokes ;D ;D ;D

[Succubus]

hehe pretty good Armitage ;D

[DarkMusicAngel]

<---------------------------------------- (avatar) ;D

[BossMorley]

I have that same video in my favorites!! Check my avatar out
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Adam

[Armitage]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

[Armitage]

Man: Father Fitzpatric, I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 50 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you to ask such a thing?

Man: I’m Jewish.

Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?

Man: I’m telling everybody!

[Armitage]

Three Southern women are having a little social. Tea is flowing and so are the stories. Finally, one suggests, "Just for fun, what do you call your husband? I call my Harry 'Seven-Up', 'cause he got seven inches and it always up."
The three women giggle.
Another replies, " Well then, I call my man, Long John, because he's so long."
The three women giggle again.
The third is deep in thought for a moment, then replies, "I call my William, Drambue.'"
The other two frown and look over at the third: " Drambue? Isn't that some kind of fancy liquor?"
The third looks back and smiles; "Yup."

[axegrinder]

I ran acrost this one after two children in florida were arrested for drawing threatening stick figures. stickdeath.com/

[DarkMusicAngel]

bossmorley said:

I have that same video in my favorites!! Check my avatar out
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Adam

roflmao
what in the world is it?!?! ;D

[Luke]

Armitage them jokes are awesome ;D

[Armitage]

Thanks!

[DarkMusicAngel]

I absolutley had to post this one I almost pissed my pants when I read it ;D

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ***-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I *** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like *** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just *** it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Succubus]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

;D

[Ryan]

Heh heh, nice jokes....he he he

[DarkMusicAngel]

succubus said:

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

;D

It;s funny 'cause it's true ;D

[Ryan]

lol....hahaha, nice...heh.....keep em coming! ;D

[Succubus]

hehe good ones Deb, reminds me of a teatowel I have somewhere with a similar "misunderstood musical expressions" thing, if I can ever find it I'll take a photo ;D